I can't do this without you
by KayLyn666
Summary: ONE-SHOT ; Losing Adam affected everyone differently. Everyone felt the absence of the once bright and lively person who brought so much joy into the world. He was her rock, her best friend, her brother. He was everything she needed him to be. And now he was gone.


He was her best friend, her adopted brother, her rock. He was everything she needed him to be and more. They both were. But that night…the night her brother was taken from her, her world came crumbling down for the millionth time since grade 9.

It was early, two weeks following her brother's death, that she found herself crumbling on the student council lounge floor, Clare's arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders as she sobbed bitterly into her friend's chest.

"It's not fair, Clare!" she screamed, her body trembling.

"I know," Clare said gently, her tone careful. She knew how hard her friend was taking Adam's death. They all were. Drew tried to stay strong for his sister, but it was hopeless. Their entire world had fallen apart when Adam died.

"I just wish…God, you don't even know," she whispered. Clare could feel Harleigh's heart racing. She knew it was all a matter of time before she went into full blown panic mode. For the millionth time, she wished Eli was there to help her sooth her friend's pain.

"Have you talked to Eli?" she asked. She knew Eli was the only person who was really making any progress with her. Eli knew what to say. He always did. It was one of the many things she loved about him.

Harleigh said nothing, but nodded slightly. Clare thought about her next question carefully before voicing it.

"What about your dad?" she asked.

"Which one? Omar or Bullfrog?" she asked, forcing herself to laugh. It wasn't funny, it really wasn't. But her life was so confusing and twisted, it was almost comical.

See, Harleigh was technically Eli's half-sister. She was four months younger than Eli. Her mother, Abigail and Bullfrog had a one night stand a few months before Eli was born. Surprisingly, Eli's mother, Cece, had gotten over it, because Abigail had been Bullfrog's high school sweetheart.

When Abigail died in a car accident three years earlier, shortly after Harleigh's younger, half-brother, Damien, committed suicide, she was adopted by Omar and Audra, thanks to Adam and Drew pleading her case. She didn't want to end up in the system, and since the three were practically family to begin with, and since she wanted nothing to do with her father, it was settled.

"Omar," Clare said quickly. She knew how Harleigh felt about Eli's father. And really, she couldn't blame her.

"Barely," she admitted, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"What about Drew? I thought you two were trying to be each other's safety net right now?" she said carefully. She knew how easily it was to trigger an episode. She'd done it before and it killed her to see her friend completely break down. But she knew distracting her with questions was the best way to change her mood. Harleigh was anything but stable then. It was easier to talk to her about life, than let her cry over her brother's death.

"It's hard," she said truthfully. "We're both drugged up half the time, and when we're not, we're practically at each other's throats."

"Oh," Clare responded, her heart sinking. Drew and Harleigh needed each other. They needed each other more than anyone in the world.

"What about Jesse?" she asked, referring to her long-term girlfriend.

"You know what Clare?" Harleigh said, anger flashing in her eyes. "I'm sick and tired of small talk." She stood up, her hands trembling as she grabbed her bag and stormed out of the room, leaving Clare at a loss for words.

That was when she decided to do the only thing she could think of. She called Eli in hopes that he could either call Harleigh and get through to her, or maybe come home for the weekend. Either way, Clare knew he was Harleigh's only hope.

* * *

"Harleigh, it's okay to be hurt," Eli coaxed gently. He leaned against the bathroom door, wishing for the millionth time that there wasn't a lock on the damn door. He was worried, more worried than he dared admit about his sister. Ever since they met four years ago, he'd been doing his best to protect her. When Damien died, he watched her go down a twisted, dark path of drugs and self-harm. After Abigail died, he watched as she fought for her sanity again. Now…now he wasn't sure if he could pull her back from the edge. She was seeing the same therapist who helped him after his ex-girlfriend's death, but this time, it didn't seem to be working. Despite the heavy sedatives she was prescribed, despite the anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants, she was still a wreck. It terrified him to watch her struggle this hard.

"I told you!" she screamed from the other side of the door. "I don't want you here Eli!"

"You don't mean that," he tried. He knew his sister. She needed him.

"No," she said, throwing something against the door. "I do!"

"Harleigh…" he pleaded. His heart broke for her. He wasn't sure who was taking Adam's death harder. Her or Drew.

Eli jumped slightly when the front door slammed shut. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Drew coming in, his eyes slightly puffy. He said nothing, just stepped aside so he could lean against the door.

"Open the door Leigha," he said, his tone so helpless, so broken, it almost sent Eli himself over the edge. He was about to turn away when he heard the familiar click of the lock turning. A moment later, Harleigh was locked in Drew's embrace, her entire body trembling. Eli watched in amazement as the two sank to the ground, silently finding strength in the other.

"I'll just…you know, let myself out," he muttered, turning away from the two. Harleigh looked up at her older brother, tears in her eyes.

"Eli," she choked. "Stay, please."

Eli looked at her, tears in his eyes as he saw how truly helpless his younger sister was. He remembered back to the night her brother died. The fear stricken, heartbroken expression was so similar, it sent shivers down his spine. He nodded and sat on the edge of the couch while Drew and Harleigh talked in hushed tones. Harleigh seemed to pull herself together enough to stand up, her face pale as she walked into the bathroom, returning a moment later with a bottle of pills.

She shook two out and handed them to Drew.

"Sleep," she muttered, pulling him to his feet and pushing him in the general direction of her bedroom. "Mom'll kill me if you're looking this crappy when she gets home."

"Sure," he muttered darkly. Eli noticed Harleigh stiffen at his tone. He found himself wondering what happened in the week since Adam's death. He kicked himself for not being around enough. He should have been. College could wait. It all could. Clare needed him. Shoot, everyone seemed to need him lately. Harleigh, Clare, Drew. He hated himself for leaving.

"Stop beating yourself up, big brother," Harleigh sighed as she walked towards him. Her dog, Grace, trotted after her. Eli smiled in spite of himself, remembering the day that damn dog came into their lives.

"How did you-," he started but she cut him off.

"I know how your head works," she reminded him. She pulled her knees to her chest, patting the cushion beside her. Grace jumped up, laying her head on her arm. She played with the dog's ears for a few moments, her face masking whatever she was thinking.

Eli knew he had to be patient with her. She was fragile. More fragile than he ever cared to imagine.

"I'm…" she started, her voice hoarse from crying. "I'm thinking of dropping out of Degrassi. Maybe start school in New York. You know, new city, new life…leave it all behind," she said carefully.

"What?" Eli snapped. He didn't mean to. He really didn't. But his sister was being stupid. She was a senior. She and Clare were best friends. Drew needed her. He wasn't about to let her turn her back on the people who need her most.

"I can't stand it here anymore," she sighed, her hands shaking again. Eli noticed and forced himself to contain his rage and frustration. She was going through hell. He knew that. But she was being so reckless…so…so stupid.

"Harleigh…you can't turn your back on your friends now," he said carefully, forcing his tone to come out as gently as possible. "What about Drew? Clare? Alli?"

"I don't care anymore," she said sadly. "Don't you get it, Eli? I don't care about anything anymore!"

"I get that," he said calmly. "I do, but c'mon, you graduate in a few months, then you can come to New York and start over if that's what you want."

She looked at him with sad, tear filled eyes. He reached across the small space between then and clasped her hand gently, his heart breaking for the millionth time. There was nothing he could say to take away the hurt and sadness she was feeling. He just hoped he'd be able to make her see the good in staying at Degrassi just a little longer.

"I walk past his room and all I think about is how he'll never be in it again. Mom won't let anyone inside…It's like she's trying to forget he ever existed," she said, shaking her head. "I just…I need to get away for a little while," she sighed.

"Why don't you stay with Fiona? Or Clare? Or Jesse?" he suggested.

"It's awkward between me and Fi, and I'm not going to stress your girlfriend out. And Jesse's busy with college stuff. I don't want to have to make the commute either. I haven't…" she let it drop. He knew what she was going to say. She hasn't driven since Adam's death. She won't even get in a car. That's why she begged Drew to move back home for a little while. So they could be closer to school. She didn't want to walk alone, and she didn't want to drive. So Drew agreed.

"I know," he said softly. He didn't know what else to say to her.

She stood up and walked over to the fireplace where one of the most recent family portraits rested. Everyone was smiling and happy. She traced Adam's face with her fingers, before turning only at the sound of a toddler wailing. A sad smile crossed her lips as she walked into the room she shared with her two year old daughter, Kiersten.

"Hush, baby girl," she cooed as she picked the toddler up. Eli smiled at his niece as she clung to her mother's chest. He couldn't help but love the little girl, despite the terrible situation that came along with her.

"Have you…you know, dealt with _that_?" Eli asked, referring to the major PTSD she suffered after the incident.

"Yeah," she sighed, rocking the child in her arms. "Losing your entire family in the blink of an eye kind of does that to a person." She looked at the child in her arms, tears in her eyes. "He loved her to death, you know? He named her," she whispered. "Little Kiersten Grace."

"He was a huge help, to say the least," Eli agreed, walking over to Harleigh, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "Does she still cry for him?"

"Yeah, every single night. 'Where's Adam? Where's Adam,'" she chanted.

"Adam?" Kiersten asked, her eyes widening. "'e 'ome?"

"No, darling," Harleigh said, choking back a fresh set of tears. "Uncle Adam's watching you from heaven, just like nana and Damien," she whispered. "Just like everyone else who loved you before you were even born."

"Nana?" she asked, pointing at the locket Harleigh wore around her neck. It was her most cherished item.

"Yeah, baby, even Nana," she smiled. "Kiersten, how do you feel about staying with Eli for a while?"

"Yeah!" she giggled, reaching for her uncle. Eli gave Harleigh a look before taking the toddler into his arms.

"Where are you going?" he asked her, glancing at the clock. It was almost ten.

"For a run," she shrugged. "Dr. James says it's good to run whenever I'm really, really stuck on a memory. Clears my mind and keeps me from reaching for…well you know," she said carefully.

Eli nodded in spite of the rush of anxiety her confession gave him. Was she still popping pills? She'd started the habit shortly after the incident, but stopped the moment she found out she was pregnant, then started again after she gave birth. Was she cutting again? He couldn't even bear the thought of it. She'd had a close call during the beginning of his senior year. He couldn't take that kind of fear again. He made a mental note to ask Drew about it in the morning. He'd know. He had to. She went to him for almost everything.

Harleigh grabbed her coat and almost ran out the door before grabbing her keys. She turned on her heel in time to catch a glimpse of her bedroom door, which reminded her to check on Drew. She sat her coat back down and slowly walked towards the door, forcing herself not to look at the room next to hers. She refused to look at Adam's room. Looking at the locked door would only send her spiraling out of control again. And she couldn't face that kind of torture.

"Drew?" she called softly, pushing the door opened. Drew was sprawled out across her bed, his face buried deep in her pillows. She walked over to the side of the bed and gently brushed his hair out of his face. His hands were balled into fists, his face twisted with a look of pure terror. Though he made no sound, Harleigh knew he was reliving that night in his dreams. She turned the lamp on and gently shook his shoulder.

"Drew, wake up," she called softly. "Wake up, it's just a dream," she said. He groaned and rolled over, his fist connecting with her jaw. She didn't even flinch. It was an every night thing. She was used to it. She grabbed his hand and pushed it down on the bed. "Andrew Torres, wake up!" she said a bit louder. Finally, he opened his eyes, gasping for breath. "Breathe," she said softly, reaching for the glass of water that sat on her nightstand.

"Was I…Did I?" he muttered, barely coherent.

"Don't worry about it," she smiled softly. "Listen, I'm going for a run. Eli's in the living room with Kiersten. If mom happens to come home before I do, tell her I'll be home soon, okay?"

"Sure," he muttered. She spared one last glance at her brother before heading towards the door.

"Drew?"

"Yeah?"

"Take half of one of my sleeping pills. It'll knock you out for the rest of the night," she said, nodding towards her dresser. "Only half. Any more than that and you'll be out for the next two days."

She was on a stronger sleeping pill than Drew. She was an insomniac to begin with and after everything that had happened in the last four years, she didn't sleep at all if she wasn't drugged up. She hated admitting it, but the pills had become her lifeline. Without them, she was a walking zombie. She'd never forget the day she left Kiersten all alone for a whole hour, simply because she was too exhausted to even remember she had a kid. It was what forced her to seek help in the first place. Thankfully Adam had been there to keep her from beating herself up too much. _But he's not here anymore, _she thought sadly. _Adam can't save the day anymore._

She shrugged on her coat and ran out the front door, ignoring Eli's worried calls. She hit the pavement at top speed, her heart racing, tears blinding her as the steady _thump, thump_ of her sneakers hitting the pavement reminded her of all the reasons she had to be strong.

"My name is Harleigh Mariah DeJames-Goldsworthy-Torres. I'm eighteen years old. I was raped almost three years ago. My mother died four months before that, my brother Damien, six before. My brother Adam died a week ago. I'm here for suicidal tendencies, PTSD, and pill abuse," she recited. She could barely breathe. Panic rose in her chest as she muttered the next line. "I am the daughter of Abigail DeJames and Bullfrog Goldsworthy. I was adopted by Omar and Audra Torres. Eli Goldsworthy is my half-brother. Drew Torres is my adopted brother. I have a two year old daughter, Kiersten Grace DeJames. I am a senior at Degrassi." She stopped running. She looked around and found a wall to lean against, her breaths coming in rushed, panicked gasps. "I…" she sank to the pavement, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I can't keep fighting…"

Her hands flew to her pockets. She kept a bottle of pills and a razor blade in the torn fabric of her old, tattered jacket. She looked at her items, tears falling faster than before.

"I'm sorry, mom," she whispered, looking up at the sky. She popped the bottle open and swallowed a handful of pills before she even had a chance to reconsider it. Then she took the blade to her wrist as she had so many times before. She didn't cut deep. She didn't need to. As soon as the blood started flowing, her heart began to race faster. The pills kicked it far too soon. Sooner than she expected.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered as the pavement began to fade. "I'm sorry Adam."

She slumped against the wall, unable to focus on anything. Her mind turned to mush, her thoughts no longer coherent. As the world faded, her last thought was how horribly this would affect the people she cared so deeply about. She knew she should have called Dr. James the moment her meds stopped working. She should have called him back after all the times he tried to reach her in the week following Adam's death. But she didn't. She thought she could fight it on her own. Or that Drew and Eli and Clare and Audra and all her friends could get her through it.

But they couldn't. Nothing could get her to take a step back from the ledge.

And that was her only regret.

* * *

_**A/N - I haven't really followed Degrassi until recently, but decided to post this one-shot anyway. c; It came to me after watching "Honey". Ah, I loved Adam so much! :( **_

_**Anyway, I don't know, if you liked this, would anyone want to see an actual ficlet based off it? Like following the months after Adam's death? Let me know!**_


End file.
